Welcome awesome parents.
Let’s level up your parenting skills!
Relationships are intricate, multifaceted, and often complicated, I think you would agree. Today, we’re diving deep into an understanding that can profoundly change your relationships – especially for parents, who often navigate complex relational dynamics with different children within the family as well as their partner or extended families. Before you read this I want you to consider your view on this statement: Pain and struggles are moments of potential growth. What was your reaction, did you say yeah let me learn more or did you say ooh no that seems way out there? But parents, I assure you our partners and children are our mirrors, read more to find out why.
Read more: Navigating the Maze of Relationships: Changing PatternsSeeing Beyond the Blame
As parents, our relationships with our partners, our children, and even ourselves can be filled with highs and lows. It’s easy to point fingers, especially when hurt is involved. However, by seeing ourselves as contributors to what happens in our relationships, we can empower ourselves to move forward, ensuring we don’t repeat past mistakes. Afterall, if you are as old as me you may have heard phrases like “children should be seen and not heard”. This leaves little to the imagination as to why I have so many people including myself feeling less than enough. If you had something similar, then you will want to put this behind you as you will want your child to achieve their greatest potential?
It’s not about self-blame, but about understanding our subconscious actions. Sometimes, without realising, we re-enact past hurts. This phenomenon is known as repetition compulsion. Repetition compulsion is a psychological phenomenon in which a person repeats traumatic events or their circumstances over, over and over again. Sigmund Freud first coined the phrase when he noticed patients would rather repeat patterns than talk through the problem in therapy. This includes reenacting the event or putting oneself in situations where the event is likely to happen again. Many of us feel trapped in toxic relational patterns, repeating them over and over. Understanding these patterns can help in breaking free from them.
Identifying Patterns
To help with this, consider these 3 common parental scenarios:
Feeling overlooked: You might find that your feelings and needs are constantly overshadowed by those of your children or partner. Could it be that you’re subconsciously diminishing your own needs? This can leave you feeling undervalued.
Feeling isolated: Despite all your efforts to support everyone, you may feel no one supports you in return. Could it be that you’re unintentionally portraying yourself as someone who doesn’t need help? I get this often, people think I’m stronger than I truly am. I don’t wine and moan, unless it’s cold, but it people tell me they think I’ve got everything sorted.
Feeling drained: Ever find yourself trying so hard to please everyone that you feel completely exhausted? Your intentions may be noble, but at what personal cost? I see many women burning out from this one as they forget about their personal self-care but are frequently making sure everyone else is taken care of.
Do any of these resonate with you? These are easy to fix once you can recognise yourself in the pattern. TIP: Pay attention to how you are feeling this week, use a journal to note down any negative feelings and get to know your unique patterns.
Digging Deep
To understand these patterns:
List Resentments: Reflect on specific things you resent about your partner or child. Be honest, this is for your eyes only.
Draw Conclusions: Based on these resentments, what beliefs have you formed? For instance, “I always come last” or “No one appreciates me.”
Identify Past Patterns: Think back to your past. When did you feel similar feelings? Possibly, in your childhood or past relationships?
My clients often express reservations about delving into their past, fearing it might come off as blaming or judging their parents. However, it’s crucial to understand that from ages 0 to 6, we primarily operate in the Theta brainwave state—a state known for its high receptivity and used in hypnotherapy and deep meditation. During this phase, children lack defences against the experiences and messages they absorb, which can profoundly shape their self-worth and beliefs. Common phrases like ‘children should be seen and not heard’ or ‘boys don’t cry’ can leave lasting imprints. When reflecting on childhood, the goal is to identify these patterns to positively influence the present. It’s about understanding, not blame. Does that resonate with you?
Creating a New Narrative
The stories we tell ourselves from past hurts can dictate our future actions. For parents, these stories can heavily influence how we raise our children. It’s not about allocating blame but understanding how these stories shape our behaviours and relationships. By identifying these stories, we can reshape them and create a healthier narrative for our families.
“Raise your words, not voice. It is rain that grows flowers, not thunder.” RUMI
The Way Forward
Taking responsibility is not about self-blame. It’s about understanding our roles in the relational dance. It’s about realising that we have more control over our relationships than we might think.
“Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.”
Self-care tip of the day
As a SOMA Breathwork instructor and yoga teacher I can honestly say most of us do not breathe well enough to support the about of stress we are under. When you are stressed you activate the sympathetic nervous system. This is our fight, flight or freeze survival system. We speak too much, and don’t chew our food properly meaning that you are breathing through your mouth. This creates oxidation and over time can lead to more serious illnesses.
How to balance your nervous system
Sit comfortably, place your right hand on your chest and your left on your belly. Breathe through your nose, deep into your belly, feel your left hand raise and your belly expand, allow the air to move upward towards your heart and then to the shoulders if you can, exhale without effort. Do this for just 2 mins, building up to 5mins. This will improve the balance in your nervous system and ensure you are healthier each and every day that you breathe into the belly. I haven’t created any videos for you to watch which I will do in the future. However, follow this link to Sandy who I trust completely to lead you through a short breathwork session of just 15mins: Breathe with Sandy: 15 Minute Parasympathetic Breathwork For Stress & Anxiety I Pranayama
Breathe, deep, intentional breaths to center yourself, allowing clarity and calmness to caress your every cell.
Share your insights with trusted friends or family. As you begin to understand and take responsibility for your choices, remember that you are carving a path for personal growth. For parents, this not only enhances our personal lives but also creates a healthier and more harmonious family environment. By owning our experiences, we can navigate the journey of parenthood with greater awareness, compassion, and love.
Remember to be the change you want to see in the world and create ripples of change of love.
Much love
Melanie xxxx
Please join me on Facebook, answer the questions to join this private group Raising
Reference:
Freud, S. (1914). Remembering, repeating and working-through (Further recommendations on the technique of psycho-analysis II). In J. Strachey (Ed.), The standard edition of the complete psychological works of Sigmund Freud (Vol. 12, pp. 145-156). Hogarth Press.
English